Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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