i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Randomize
