If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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