We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'd cum for enchiladas.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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