My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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