Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
