So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
