rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
