I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
