Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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