when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
