I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
