now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
