Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
