1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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