i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
