There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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