Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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