he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
