I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
