um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
