I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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