they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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