Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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