Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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