Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
