Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
