did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
