where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
