My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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