ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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