I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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