dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
