he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
