im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
