i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
