Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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