Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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