i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
