apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
