I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
