I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
