my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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