If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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