my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just sent this text using only my big toe
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
