Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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