saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
