I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
