I faked an abortion last night.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
