Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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